Older and Wiser

Today I turn 40.

Go ahead. Be shocked. I know I am.

I thought this birthday would bother me, but turning 30 was harder. And that one might have bothered me more if it wasn't for a little pregnancy test coming back positive. After that, turning 30 was a cake walk.

My mother told me the other day that she read that most people still think of themselves as 15 years younger than their actual age. I like that. Today, I plan to be 25 again. So what if it's all in my head? It has good company... there are an awful lot of things that are "all in my head".

I have come to a sudden conclusion about why men and women age differently. It required deep thought on my part.

You see, for women, we start having regular medical check-ups (the kind that require stirrups) fairly early in life. In general, some time between the ages of 16 and when we first suspect we're pregnant. And then, when we turn 40, insult is added to injury when we flatten our chests into pancakes for our first mammogram. (Mine's tomorrow. Yippee. Try not to visualize... that's what I keep telling myself!)

For men, they strut through life rarely visiting their primary care physician unless they feel like they are:

A.) birthing a baby (otherwise known as "kidney stones") or
B.) about to die from the world's worst case of the flu ever... and even then they only go to the doctor to get their wives to hush.

For most healthy men, regular doctor's visits don't start until they have their first colonoscopy, usually at age 50.

That's a lot of years to live without endless waiting room visits and doctor appointments.

And it's not like a doctor who performs colonoscopies might leave a patient for hours to deliver someone else's baby. Plus, aren't we moms the ones who typically take the children for all their check-ups?

Waiting rooms and doctor's offices... they're sucking the life right out of us gals!

I could very well still be 25 if I subtracted all the time I've spent on medical appointments.

You want to know what my most expensive birthday present is going to be?

My mammogram. Our insurance company covers it at 100 percent.

This month is National Breast Cancer Awareness Month. If you're 40 or older, schedule one. And try not to count how long you wait in the waiting room.

It'll just give you gray hair.